awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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