my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
