HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
