Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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