I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
