Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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