It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
