My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
