Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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