Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
