I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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