What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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