So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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