I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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