she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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