There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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