My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
