I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
