Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
