Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
