I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
