i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
