Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
