he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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