1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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