he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
