Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
