I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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