I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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