stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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