So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Randomize
