she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
