no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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