More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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