My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
