just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
What a dumb baby whore.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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