I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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