please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
