My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
