So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
