Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Who did Billy Mays play for?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
