This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
