I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
