oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
