Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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