Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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