plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Randomize
