just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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