I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
