I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
