Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
