My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
