i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
