I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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