I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize