Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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