if i can run in heels then i can drive
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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