me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
