I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
